I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
