I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
