he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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