I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
