Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
