I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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