True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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