True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
