he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
