i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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