You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
