I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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