If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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