he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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