I think I died a long time ago.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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