I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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