i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
