i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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