bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
