If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
