I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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