I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
