why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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