I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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