there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
