dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
