Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
