he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
