3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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