best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
