I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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