did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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