Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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