He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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