shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
