woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
