Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
