I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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