When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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