like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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