took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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