mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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