I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
