I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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