Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
