if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You are the jesus of drinking
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
