every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
