What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
