i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
