Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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